My Kid vs. My Friend's iPhone

I have been making a lot of fun of my friend who is the new owner of an iPhone. Basically, the premise of my ridicule is the fact that he must really think he is important if feels the need for that kind of 24/7 connection. In response to this, he sent me an email stating:

...[you have a ] Cute kid....I hope he keeps laughing it up now because the future for that kid looks bleak. Bleak indeed my friend...How does it feel knowing my iPhone is smarter than your kid?

In response to this, I decided to do an analysis: what is better to have, my kid or an iPhone?

Category: Ability to attract attention
Analysis: My kid attracts women of all ages and sizes to dote over him. My friend's iPhone probably interests some women, but primarily appeals to envious married guys whose wives won't let them buy an iPhone
Advantage: Kid

Category: Functionality
Analysis: My kid eats milk produced from my wife's breast and is somehow able to produce feces of every color of the rainbow. He can scream loudly, laugh, smile and delight me and others. My friend's iPhone can access the web, serve up 16 GB of music and make calls.
Advantage: iPhone

Category: Transport
Analysis: My kid travels around in people's arms, typically carried by women, near their breasts. My friend's iPhone sits in his pants' pockets near his junk.
Advantage: Kid

Category: Convenience
Analysis: My kid has become the center of my life, leaving time for little else. My friend's iPhone allows him to google maps when gets lost, entertain himself when he's bored and check his portfolio (he put a lot of money in Palm). However, he also bears the burden of having to search for excuses to pull out his iPhone when he is around others so he can impress them with the fact that he has a iPhone.
Advantage: Kid

Category: Cost
Analysis: Assume that an iPhone will last three years. $599 to buy, plus $99/month over 36 months = $4,163. Raising a kid and sending him to college by the time my kid matriculates will run about $1.5 Million.
Advantage: iPhone

Category: Owner
Analysis: My friend, the owner of the iPhone, is a douchebag. I, the father/owner of my child, am slightly less douchey.
Advantage: Push

And the winner is.....My Kid! Screw you iPhone owners!